What if?

I love being seen.
I love being greeted with a smile and a hug.
I love when my nieces realize I’ve come over for a visit.
I love standing behind a microphone.
I love adding flair to my outfit.
I love hearing laughter after telling a joke.

I’d love to be well known.
I’d love to be successful.
I’d love to speak more often in public.
I’d love to publish a book.
I’d love to know more people.

I love being seen.

Hmmmm……

Wonder with me:

What if the “big things” God has called you to do, were actually small?
What if instead of striving to be bigger and better, your goal was simply to remain faithful to the things that were in front of you?

What if you accepted the invitation to be hidden?
What if no one knew your name?
What if you often went without acknowledgement, without thanks?

What if your influence only reached a handful of people?
What if you never developed a following on Twitter, no one liked you on Facebook, or read your blog?
What if that was okay?

What if you paid the most attention to those who were ignored?
What if you walked into a room and changed your focus?
What if you stopped asking, “Who sees me?  Who do I know?”
What if you started asking, “Who needs to be seen?  Who needs to be known?”

What if you let others see your unpolished parts?
What if you looked inside your heart and embraced who you really were?
What if you found the courage to quit comparing yourself to others?
What if you realized it isn’t a competition and you haven’t won or lost?

What if it was about being seen by God, knowing He is well pleased?
What if?

How do you think God sees you?

This summer I was asked, “How do you think God sees you?”  I didn’t have an answer at the time, but I have taken some time since to ponder and let my imagination run wild.  Enjoy!

Paul ends 2 Corinthians with this sentiment: May the grace of the Lord Jesus Christ, and the love of God, and the fellowship of the Holy Spirit be with you all.

I imagine the Holy Trinity sitting around an old wooden table, laughing, eating crusty bread, and drinking dry Merlot.  They’re reclining, wearing white robes and sandals just like the pictures in Sunday school class.  They crack a few jokes and maybe even text OMG to the Father.  (Why not?  That would be funny!) Suddenly the conversation changes as the three talks seriously, specifically about you and me.

The fellowship at the table has been rich and deep, but the Trinity decides that they want it to be richer and deeper still.  They want to include us at the table.  Jesus looks to the Father, nods to the Holy Spirit, and says, “I’ll go.” 

Jesus gets up from the table, takes off his heavenly robe and puts on humanity.  He steps out of the door of heaven and onto the face of the earth.  You and I are lost, but Jesus begins to search; walking through darkness, carrying light. 

In no time at all, Jesus finds you.  Maybe you’re in the back corner of a sanctuary.  You can’t draw near to Him because of all that cripples you so Jesus moves towards you instead.  Maybe you’re lost in the crowd, stumbling shoulder to shoulder, trying to push others out of the way.  You’re straining to get ahead.  Jesus is suddenly standing before you at the Stop sign, asking you to slow down, to follow Him.  Maybe you’re sitting alone at the lunch table, feasting on shame, loneliness, and despair.  Jesus sits down next to you, bites into an apple and smiles.
 
Wherever you are, in a corner, on a crowded street, alone, Jesus finds us and sees us in all of our poverty.  He sees our dependence, our lack, our need, our sin.  He sees all of our darkness.    But instead of turning away, Jesus looks deeper into our souls and sees value, beyond what we could ever hope to be worth and in a remarkable act of kindness, seeing all of us; for all that we are, turns towards us and says, "Hey, want to be friends?"

“I want to walk with you all the days of your life, and when they are over; I want to take you to heaven to meet my friends.  We have a place at the table waiting, just for you.”

Photo Credit

Friends, how do you think God sees you?

The Walk is back!!!

Dear Readers,

As the school year came to a close, I realized that I needed to take a break from blogging.  I needed to spend some time staring at the wall.

 As spring leaped forward into summer, I found myself on my bedroom floor sobbing, “I just can’t do it anymore!”  The energy it took to produce something every week left me exhausted, the public nature of social media left me exposed, the idea building a platform left me feeling like there was a tower in my life that needed to come tumbling down.

Ironically, I was staring at the wall, when it happened—suddenly I had the inspiration I needed to keep going.

It was the end of June and I had gone for about two months without writing.  I was the little kid in art class, Crayola markers sprawled out on the table, looking up at her teacher with teary eyes and a quivering lip.  “I don’t know what to draw!”

I lay in bed at night imagining myself to be a granite quarry.   Maybe all the natural resources in me have been stripped clean.  Maybe I have nothing left to offer.  Maybe I should close my MacBook Pro and never open it again.

One night, I woke up at 1:00 in the morning and crept downstairs to surf the Internet.  I wanted to know what Wikipedia had to say about writer's block.  Like a frantic hypochondriac addicted to WebMD, I scrolled through the list of symptoms and silently agreed that I had every one of them.

Do I have any business calling myself a writer?

What if the words never come back?

Am I always going to feel this empty?

My pastor asked me what my hopes were for the summer.  I told her, “I need to hit the pause button.  I need some new perspective.”

She suggested that I study what the Bible has to say about “seeing” in Genesis, Exodus, and Psalm 139.  I was in the midst of this bible study when I found myself staring at the wall during a writing retreat.    There was a Power Point presentation ahead of me and the voice of the facilitator ringing in my ears, “Writing is about observation…” 

I had an ah-ha moment just then and as I walked back to my room I began to imagine myself as the recipient of CPR.  There I was lying on the floor, but Someone had just breathed life into me.  Now I was full of inspiration.  I began to write with hunger and hope. 

I pulled a piece of paper out and penned these words:

Sabbath rest, I am learning, is about refocusing.  It’s an invitation to loosen our grip on productivity, so we can be gripped by the One who wants to produce something in us.  It’s letting the ground lay fallow for a season, trusting a new crop will eventually be planted bursting forth with life!  It’s accepting that when we are empty, we are in prime position to be filled.

This year, I want to write about what it means to see: to see others and God, and to let others see us.  I’m excited to explore this topic and I want you to enjoy me on this journey!

Thanks for waiting, praying, encouraging. 

Jenny

P.S.  My pastor is planning on running the Grand Canyon from rim to rim on September 15^th.  Read about his amazing journey and how you can be involved supporting a ministry for women in Ethiopia called Eyes that See. 

Rumor Has It

Dear Readers,

Rumor has it, that when da Vinci was commissioned to paint The Last Supper, his daily routine often involved long days of staring at the wall which would soon become his canvas, painting nothing, and then going home.  This process continued day after day.  Eventually, a monk reported him and he was called in and questioned.  “Is this true?  We’re paying you to paint and you’ve done nothing?  Are you really staring at the wall day after day?”  Da Vinci looked at his accuser and replied, “The artist is working the most when he appears to be working the least.”

The rest is history.

Writing is only partly about committing thoughts to paper, letting your words contain the expression of your soul.  It’s more about deep thinking, staring off into space, and pondering.  Sometimes it involves white-knuckling the table while you find the courage to be really honest about how you feel.  Sometimes it involves crying, Kleenex, and a 20 minute nap to recover.  Writing is about catching your fleeting thoughts on the back of the church bulletin when your spirit is inspired, and being willing to re-frame and refocus the scenes in your life that have become blurry.  

I think if I am going to continue to compose something of value, then I need to spend some time staring at the wall.

I am going to take a break from blogging for the next four months and will resume posting again in September.  

Thanks for reading!

 

Jenny

Photo Source: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Last_Supper_%28Leonardo_da_Vinci%29

Thoughts on Thankfulness

I sat across from a seminary student in a restaurant booth this Christmas, eating breakfast together while we discussed a theology of suffering.  Suddenly, he leaned forward and asked, “How can you be so thankful in the midst of the challenges you face?”  His question surprised me; I took another long sip of coffee before I began to answer.  

It’s true. I have hard days when I am discouraged by the reality of my limitations.  In those moments, I do try to make a conscious effort to be both positive and realistic.  The more time I spend with others who live with disabilities, especially others who also live cerebral palsy, the more I am learning that the simplest things we do in life, the abilities we often take for granted, are the most profound.  I am thankful that when I open my mouth I can speak and sing with clarity.  I’m thankful that I can drive.  I’m thankful that I can live independently.

I’m thankful that in my moments of weakness, God shows Himself to be strong and able.  I used to assume that God didn’t care about the struggle people face when confronted with disability, because if He did, He would do something about it, intervening like Jesus did in the Bible.  My mind has changed as I continue on my journey.  I believe God is very near; He meets us in our struggle and walks with us in our pain.   

Living with a disability has not taught me that I need God more than anyone else, but it has been a vehicle that has helped me become more aware of my need for Him.  It has also helped me to hold a more eternal perspective.  Our troubles really are light and momentary.  Someday I will move with flawless grace, but until then, I love the invitation that Paul gives, to fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen because what is seen is temporary.  What is unseen is eternal.  

This song has been an incredible encouragement to me this week.  I hope it will be for you too.

Music: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bBfHUrLGzNY

What are your thoughts on thankfulness?

Love Keeps No Record of Wrongs

           Lately I’ve felt trapped in a conversation that seems to be going on in stereo around me at the lunch table: everyone seems to be talking about having kids: pregnancy, breast feeding, field trips, doctor’s appointments, lunches.  It’s a beautiful conversation really.  Many of my colleagues have within themselves the capacity to teach children during the day and then turn around and tend to their own families after the school bell rings.  This is a capacity I do not see in myself.  I don’t know how to enter into this conversation with others, so most of the time I tell myself to be quiet and keep chewing.

            There so many challenges that would lie before me if I chose to become a mother, but that might be a bit presumptuous….finding a mate is a whole other issue.  Last week I witnessed a man checking me out as I walked from my car into a coffee shop.  At first I thought it was flattering; I wondered if he liked my hat that I picked out from Charming Charlies…then I realized he was watching me walk, and then he frowned.  I don’t think I even have words to express what it feels like in those rare moments when you realize that in the eyes of the man standing in front of you, you are physically disappointing.  It makes me feel speechless and numb, like I should just be quiet and keep chewing. 

            As I was working my way through my chicken salad on Tuesday, with the baby conversation in full swing, I began to wonder how many days it would be before someone would ask me how I was doing.  I even had the vindictive idea to get up from the lunch table, walk back to my desk, pull out a stack of brightly colored post-its, and start a tally.  As I was about to slide open my desk drawer, I heard a whisper, Please don’t Jenny.  Love keeps no records of wrongs.  I realized keeping a tally was a terrible idea, for many reasons, including the fact that I’m not very good at asking people about how they are doing either.

            The next day I ran into a colleague in passing who I don’t get to see very often.  She immediately smiled, gave me a hug, and asked, “How’s school going?”  I answered and then she said, “I’m praying for you, for your classes then for your husband.” 

            I walked away, glad that I refrained from marking my post-it, and happy, that if I had, it would already be time to crumple it up and throw it away.  Perhaps I should keep another record, one that keeps track of how often and how deeply I am reminded that I am loved.

Image Source: http://wavelengthoflight.blogspot.com/2010/12/angry-post-it-notes.html

El Roi

There’s this scene that keeps rolling around in my imagination where I’m standing before the Throne of God at the end of my life.

“I know you asked me to write about disability but that just wasn’t very…popular.”  I look down at the golden ground, stuff my hands in the back pockets of my jeans, and bite my lip for a moment before continuing.  

“I just never really developed much of a following.  The page view stats on my blog were really low, not enough people “liked it” on Facebook, or promoted it on Twitter.”  

I breathe deep before continuing, letting the rest of my confession come out in a rush:  “No one seemed to be watching.  It didn’t seem like it was worth my time…so I  quit.”

The room is silent for a beat while we stare into each other’s eyes.  God is pondering my explanation; I’m waiting for His answer.  Suddenly, He turns His head with compassion says, “I was watching.  It mattered to me.”

---

This isn’t how I want things to end.  

But, what do I do with how I’m wired?  I have one phone where I receive text messages, two degrees in Information Media,  and three e-mail accounts where I regularly respond to messages.  I’m enrolled in online coursework, am planning a dissertation about the administration of social media, and write a weekly blog.  I have a Facebook page, YouTube Channel, and Twitter account.  People have tried to get me to use LinkedIn and Pinterest, but I have to draw the line somewhere so….

One weekend I did. 

I turned off my computer and TV for 48 hours….

And wept.

Not because I missed my social media tools and constant modes of communication, but because I didn’t like the influence they were having on my life.

My life is too fast, too loud, and too much in front of a screen; except I didn’t know that until I stepped away for a few days.  

I’m concerned about the amount of envy, jealousy, and comparison that is stirred in me when I scroll through my Facebook feed. 

I’m haunted to find that I don’t miss communicating with people online when I take a break from social media.

What does that mean?  Is the whole thing a waste of time?  In a culture that is continually promising to connect us through the miracle of the Internet, are we really being disconnected and isolated one iPad at a time?

I don’t fundamentally believe that technology is evil, but I do think how we use it matters.  

On March 28^th, I decided to step away from Facebook for at least 40 days.  I’m about half-way through my hiatus and I am finding that I feel…

Less Distracted

Less Excluded

Energized to engage in face to face relationships

More and more I want to meet El-Roi, the God Who Sees, and let Him redefine some terms in my life, especially what it means, to be “big,” “important,” and “seen.”

I love this testimony from Mike Weaver of Big Daddy Weave where he tells about how he encountered the God Who Sees in his garage:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RornLHjfma8

Image Source: http://www.tumblr.com/tagged/el%20roi