In the beginning, writing was a journey in.
Writing this memoir often involved painful negotiation. I continually mulled over whether or not I was willing to tell the story of my life. It was an act of slow confession. There were so many things I felt compelled to express that I never allowed myself to think about fully or had never spoken to anyone aloud. It was a game of give and take. Little by little, I relented to vulnerability as words formed and appeared on the screen.
There were nights when my eyes were so clouded with tears that I could no longer see. I would regrettably have to close the laptop early. Hours I had planned to write lay in waste as I nursed my hurt. My heart had been ripped open too wide to continue. My story sat within me like undigested food, but slowly, as the words came, writing began to feel like the uncorking of a bottle of wine being poured out on the page. Gradually, I sat at my desk beholding something that had become richer and deeper with age.
There were many conversations I held with God, and many, many tears. As I made my final edits, the pain became intense, so I placed a chair near my desk as a reminder of God's constant presence with me. On several occasions, I laid my head down on the chair as if I were placing myself into the lap of God and wept.
Slowly, writing became a journey out.
In 2011, I purchased a MacBook Pro and installed home Internet access. I started blogging for United Cerebral Palsy of Central MN and my personal blog, both called The Walk.
Suddenly I found myself sitting in coffee shops and restaurants, living rooms and summer camp, staring into the faces of people who've been impacted by disability: parents, children, peers. For the first time in my life, I had something of substance to offer the people looking back at me besides my silence and pain. Writing had become a healer and had given me a voice. I started to speak in churches, then branched out to a college campus, and finally to the students at my school. A reporter from WCCO surprised me this fall, showing up in the middle of class, asking me to tell my story.
My story is finally published and here for all to read. Today, March 26th, 2014, is the 30th anniversary of my life; the celebration of a story that is still being written. I'd like to invite you to read about my journey of Walking with Tension, available now on Amazon in paperback and Kindle editions.
You can find information about my book here: http://jwalkinguphill.blogspot.com/p/blog-page.html